The other woman is not the problem. If it wasn’t her, then it would be someone else. There’s nothing magical about her. She is just an opportunity that he grabbed onto, so don’t get hung up on thinking about her.
1. Dealing with a man who wants to leave is different from dealing with a man who has been caught and doesn’t want to leave. Whatever anger you dump on him is only going to push him further out the door.
2. Pleading with him for another chance also is not going to get him to stay. The choice he is making is not about the other woman, and it is not about you (although you will both think it is). The choice is about him and what he wants for his future.
3. Anything you do that creates resistance or shows disapproval will push him away. Although his behavior is very wrong, you can’t get him to stay by trying to make him wrong. Your blaming, attacking, or pleading with him will do nothing to build your relationship with him.
4. Critical behaviors make you less attractive and her, more attractive. They all display a lack of concern for your husband. Sincere empathy will help you to connect instead of pushing him away. And having good boundaries will prevent him from having things both ways.
The real problem is your loss of connection with your husband. He doesn’t care enough about your marriage to remain faithful to you. He is willing to risk losing it. Although you may only recently have found that out, you may still be able to get him back